Everything You Need To Know About The New iPhone 5

Today Apple announced the long-awaited iPhone 5, which will go on sale September 21st. Wondering why there's so much buzz around a mere cellphone? Here's the 411 on the iP5.

1. During the iPhone 5 unveiling in San Francisco, a gentle hush descended across the Earth. Dogs and cats snuggled, doves wept with joy, and mortal enemies everywhere briefly set aside their differences and commenced feverishly swapping spit.
2. The new iPhone is 18% thinner and 20% lighter than the 4S, making it the first smartphone with specs one can measure in Triscuits.
3. Apes that touch the glowing new mini-monolith are suddenly able to turn basic tools into weapons.
4. You will still probably have to stand in line for four hours outside an Apple Store next to a lumberjack who just discovered dub-step and two bloggers wearing Atticus Finch glasses narrating their Tumblrs to each other.
5. The new iPhone 5 magically induces people with the iPhone 4S to bite the insides of their cheeks until they tasted blood.
6. Siri has been upgraded; the "intelligent personal assistant" will tell you sports scores, and automatically place bets with your bookie.
7. The iPhone 5's 8MP camera is slimmer than before, and can make that can of Beefaroni look like Mario Batali is your personal chef.
8. The elongated display is newly optimized for those with freakishly nimble asparagus fingers.
9. Apple's new battery promises 225 hours of standby and is powered by the tears of Chinese laborers.
10. The iPhone 5 is made out of a nanomorph mimetic poly-alloy, which means if you smash it against your desk in a frothing rage, it will reduce itself to a pool of liquid metal, then quietly reform back to its prior shape.
11. The iPhone 5 has 4G-LTE network connectivity, so you'll be able to download alt-folk dirges off of iTunes nanoseconds before they're cool.
12. The iPhone 5 will sprout spider legs and use digestive acids to liquify any Samsung Galaxy 3's in the vicinity.
13. Price: $199 for 16GB, $299 for 32GB, $399 for 64GB with two year contract signed in bone marrow.